Big, Fat, Negatives
And what to do when your friend gets one
It always seems to me like it’s the best couples I know who have fertility trouble. You know the ones, where both partners are healthy, responsible, and ready to start a family. These women, in particular, have an innate nourishing quality about them. Maybe these are the only women who are willing to go through such a long, draining process to have babies. There is the blood tests, the hormones, the needles, the many scans with freezing cold gel. These women are clear on what they want, and they are willing to be very uncomfortable to make it happen.
Infertility is a rollercoaster of a ride, with many high hopes and fast falls. Big, fat, negatives are at the bottom of this journey, when all your efforts don’t end up in a pregnancy. BFNs are hard to process for anyone at anytime in their fertility journey. I feel for each one of my friends that have had a BFN whether it is from insemination, IVF, FET, and any other procedure.
So, how can you support a friend with a BFN whether you can relate to what they are going to or not?
Firstly, everyone processes disappointing news differently. It can be helpful to discuss with your friends if or when they’ll share their news with you. How they choose to let you know, or not, is not personal – don’t take it this way. They are coping the best way they know how.
If and when they choose to share the outcome with you, here are some guidelines you can use to be supportive. Use your judgement!
Generally okay to say to a friend with a BFN:
I’m so sorry. This really sucks.
I’m so sorry. This really sucks.
What do you need? (with no attachment)
This is unfair and illogical.
Generally don’t say these to a friend with a BFN:
Are you going to try again? When?
Maybe next time, …
I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
Here are some more suggestions of things you can do for your BFN friend:
Send them a surprise delivery (wine, flowers, Krispy Kremes, chocolate, etc.)
Bake them cookies or make them a meal to enjoy with their partner
Buy them a massage voucher
One last suggestion is to be careful of empathy turning into pity. I find pity from others more debilitating than helpful. The female spirit is strong, so don’t underestimate what it can overcome. Be sensitive and thoughtful, and give your friend a safe space to chat or just hang out with you.
Really good advices there. Also, don’t mention moving on. Couples will eventually get there on their own or with their fertility specialist, just remain hopeful. 4 years after the birth of our child following 10 egg collections, what I remember the most about the support of our friends are the 4 people that were always hopeful even when we did not have that much hope left ourselves.
Such great insight! Thanks Sophie x