What’s the best way to tell your friend dealing with infertility, that you are pregnant?
Pregnancy announcements to friends that are dealing with infertility can be awkward and daunting for you and them.
Every woman, man and couple deal with infertility differently, so the only way to know the best way to share your news is to ask them ahead of time. If you are trying to conceive and are comfortable letting them know, give them the heads up and ask what would be the best way to let me know when you fall pregnant. You may be surprised at their answer, and they will definitely appreciate the consideration. If you are not comfortable letting them know you are trying to conceive or are surprised by your pregnancy, consider these do’s and don’ts.
Announcing Your Pregnancy – DO’s
Tell them yourself
If they are a close friend or family, tell them yourself and early. A good rule of thumb is that if you know about their fertility issues, you should probably tell them your news personally. It’s so much worse to read about a friend’s pregnancy on social media or hear about through others, and then you still need to talk about it when you see each other.
Don't take their reaction personally
Your friend’s reaction will depend on how things are going for them – not how excited they truly are for you. It may range from crying, to silence, to shock, to putting on a brave face to be happy for you. They will be happy for you, it may just take time to process and get used to the idea.
Email or text may be the best option
If you’ve had a chance to ask your friend her preference for sharing your news in advance, she may opt to get an email or text from you. Then she can choose when and how to respond in her own time.
Choose a private location
If you’ve decided to share your pregnancy in person, either with just your friend or with your partner and her partner, do it in a private location. The best locations to choose are your home or their home without anyone else around. This gives them time to process your news and space to react or be emotional if that’s what happens.
Share your excitement and planning
Once they have processed your news, let them know that you’d like to share the journey with them and have them be involved as much as they’d like to be. Request that they let you know if it gets to be too much for them and they need to talk about something else or have some space. Giving them the choice to be involved let’s them know you want them there, and empowers them to choose what supports them best too.
Announcing Your Pregnancy – DONT’s
Avoid telling them
No doubt this is a challenging conversation to have. You don’t want your friend(s) to feel worse and you don’t want to feel guilty for celebrating your happy news. My advice is to just do it, have the conversation as soon as you are telling other friends you are pregnant. The longer you wait, the more you’ll think about how difficult it could be.
Complain about your pregnancy
While it’s great to share your journey and excitement with your friend, she’s probably not interested in hearing you complain about pregnancy symptoms. Your friend having fertility treatment could be dealing with daily injections, elevated hormones, nausea, headaches, weight gain and bloating – all without knowing if she’ll get to the pregnancy start line ever.
Drop the news in a public place
If you have a friend who has been trying to start a family for an extended period of time, share your news in a place that allows them to react without being in front of others. Having an emotional reaction in public can be embarrassing and make the situation worse. It doesn’t give them space to share what they are feeling or space to talk it through.
Say you weren't trying
Using this phrase is surprisingly common to describe a couple’s success in conceiving quickly. It’s almost never accurate and can be very insulting to anyone around you who is dealing with infertility. And since you may not even know which friends or family are in this situation, avoid saying it. Instead share your excitement and gratitude for being able to conceive and carry a baby.
It’s possible to announce your pregnancy in a way that is respectful and sensitive to others’ fertility journeys.
My advice above should give some general ideas of what has and hasn’t worked for me and those I have spoken to. The best way to know for your friends and family, is to ask and respect their choice.
In my stories section, I’ll be sharing a few examples of when my friend’s pregnancy announcements have been done in a way that worked for me. (coming soon)
And if you have any additional tips, please share in the comments!